Have you ever lost your suck?

I cut my finger - just a paper cut. I tried to suck it better. My lips wouldn’t close around my finger. I could bite but not suck…how odd is that? Odd but no big deal…how much sucking does a person do?

I am eLle - blonde, blue eyed and bright - great career, good friends, beautiful clothes, lovely home, shared with my partner, EaZyD. I knew life was good, that I was lucky but this was, for me, normal. Work hard, look good, be nice[ish] to others, get reward, right?

As we all know, life just ain't fair. One day/week/year, life may spin from our control and everything changes. We see it happen to others but somehow never expect it to happen to us. And, yet, it does…

I now live with an undiagnosed neurological illness, a wheelchair, progressive paralysis and HUGE doses of steroids – not a regime recommended for sustaining a party lifestyle!

I have sobbed, screamed, shouted, ranted, bitched, sulked, somehow coped and occasionally laughed my way through some years of physical and psychological trauma with accompanying lifestyle upheaval and relationship stress. And, surprisingly NOT died…yet!

More than ever, I strive for, and want to live, a life of stimulus, quality and style. When I get out and about, in my more stable periods, I want to experience the love flowing to and from me and mine to you and yours. This seems so normal to me.

But, no! To my surprise, I find that I live in a society where disability equates to an abbreviated four letter word:

CAN’T – to prevent somebody doing something.

To which there is only one four letter response:

WILL: the inevitability of something happening.

... yet, here I am, working long hours at a city job, whilst caring for my formerly fabulous and ambitious wife whose looks, temperament and lifestyle have been decimated by a profoundly disabling illness?

I am not ill, she is. Yet every aspect of my life is affected too. I promised, 'in sickness and in health.' I was thinking, 'she gets flu a lot...' Sure, I could have left - she has family and friends. I have thought about leaving and I am sure I will again, but how could I live with myself if I did? You have got to have some integrity in this life, no? And, how many soulmates do you get in one lifetime?

For now, we go on, no end in sight. We do what everyone does: we take each day as it comes and work it. On the best of days, we forget the illness, we take the road into the city, listen to the music and PLAY. On the bad days, we HOPE for better days to come.

COMMITMENT: dedication to a person and a relationship.

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