STILETTO – a high pointed HEEL on a woman’s shoe or a small dagger.

WHEELS – a medieval instrument of torture or a vehicle for personal mobility.

My hunt for a new car continues. Not happy with any of the options so far, the spectre of my being able to drive was broached again by one company...technology has moved on...incredible things...yada, yada, yada.

YES YES, I was seduced by THE VISION of me, car keys in hand, whizzing through my front door, up a ramp into a stylish little car and VROOM VROOM - driving away just like I used to, like everyone else does.

THE REALITY: I hate OT's - after hours of assessment, I have one good arm and my head and neck are strong. With wedges jammed in on each side, indicators and horn in my headrest, I would be set to get on the road, subject to DVLA approval. AMAZING...in so many ways! OK, out to the demo vehicle - a ghastly massive van, with a tail lift.

1. Get on the tail lift: 'back...no, no, left a bit...no, edge it forward...SLOWER,'
2. Get into the van (low head height): 'recline just a bit further back... forward...slower...no, you're fine....oops!'
3. Roll across to driver space and lockdown: 'just to the right an inch or two...up a bit with the footplates...left... back...forward...another inch or two...OKAY.'
4. Drive the monster: to manoeuvre, place arm in metal sleeve and 'push your arm back to accelerate, forward to brake, turn your arm left to turn left and right to turn right. Push your head back to BEEP the horn, press your head left to press the left indicator, ditto right. Got that?'
5. Arrive, get out: do all of 1 to 4 above in reverse.

On my own, REALLY? I spent, ooooooh, thirty seconds mulling over the VISION : REALITY before asking, 'does anyone actually do this? And, what does it cost?' Some do apparently at around EIGHTY grand per car. Me? I just want an easy life and I'm figuring that hiring a driver and buying a passenger only WAV will suit my pocket and lifestyle better.

A few days later, describing the experience including optional clown hat and red nose, friends convulse with laughter as we describe the indicators/horn in the headrest. EaZyD starts shaking his head from side to side. 'What are you doing?' 'HAZARDS,' he replies.

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