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Having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) or Myalgic Encephalopathy (ME) often feels like being separated from the world by a pane of glass. People looking at you can't see it - all they see is a 'normal' person who looks like anyone else. The illness isn't apparent. But it is there.
Looking out through the glass, at the people who look just like you, you see them go off on gap years, getting into good universities, getting their first jobs, get married, have beautiful babies and, as happy as you are for them and as much as you might want only good things for them, seeing it all happen before your eyes and not being able to step out from behind the glass and experience all those things too … it hurts.
I'm not saying that these things cannot be experienced by someone with CFS/ME but, in general, all such experiences are watered down and muted in some way. You sit and watch other people try out all the fun and games that life has to offer for those who come from a reasonably privileged background. You have to sleep through exciting events and get early nights whilst other people party. Every little step along the way has to be negotiated and fought for whilst others achieve these things with ease.
This all weighs heavily on my mind as spring approaches. Spring is my favourite season but I seem to sleep through any small burst of sunshine. I feel energised when I wake up each morning but that continually comes to nothing as I struggle even to get in the shower and get dressed. And, I keep receiving good news from friends, which is all wonderful, but it makes the glass which sits in front of me feel a little thicker and more like prison walls than usual. If half of your life is spent asleep, what sort of life do you have?
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